I remember a pivotal moment when something not right was happening in my own life, and I was on a call with an instructor. Because something was happening ‘real time’ during our conversation she gave me direct safety instructions. I listened and stayed on the phone with her. But there is a moment, when we sense and know danger somatically—our bodies tell us something is wrong, we feel it in our bones, in our guts, in our hearts, our fingers might tingle and our feet want to run as fast as they can or our entire body freezes with paralysis, because stillness, silence and invisibility may be our only means to survival. We can feel the blood surging through our veins, our rapid breath, our eyes are scanning with hypervigilance and our ears can hear the drop of a pin—every sense in our body is heightened.
Survival is not rational or logical, it is instinctual, our feelings, sensory system, and primitive mind are guiding us. If we get caught in a situation and fear for our life and safety, we may try fighting because our body will try any means to survive. If fighting doesn’t work we may become submissive, this may be agreeing to something that doesn't feel right to us—that we know is wrong. We may have said; NO, NO, No, no, no until we realized, yes was our only option out, our only way to survive.
Yes…. this is a consent word right? This means you gave permission to someone to hurt you, or violate you, to take away your power, to defile you, to rob you—to strip you of your dignity. This is a confusing feeling when we are no longer in a threatening situation. Now that our body is calm and our cognitive mind is back online so to speak—we are trying to rationalize the situation and make sense of what happened. Perhaps you are trying to decide if you should press charges against this person who wronged you. You know it was wrong, your body told you what happened was wrong, you said no…. You said no…. You said yes. The person who wronged you may be a person you know, it may be a friend, a parent, a relative, a person who you are in a relationship with, you are married to… this may be someone you love and trusted. These heart feelings and feelings of danger are conflicting, oppositional and confusing—our mind cannot reason this inner turmoil.
When I was on the phone with my instructor that day, one of the instructions she gave me was if something happens you hang up the phone with me and you call 911. She followed this by saying; “Doing the right thing doesn't always feel right.” I have never forgotten these words of wisdom and I am sharing them with you now. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel right, when we have been wronged. Especially when family, children and love is involved. The other person may add to the confusion by telling you; this is a special secret between us, they may try to affirm their love for you… “but I love you,” they may tell you—you cannot bite the hand that feeds you, no one will believe you, you will tear this family apart, you will bring shame to yourself or to this family—they are praying on your guilt and shame… on your emotions and love. They are intensifying your confusion, because they know what they did was wrong.
You may have said yes because there was a power differential, this person may be much older than you, much bigger than you, someone in a superior role in your life; they may be a boss, a support person, a caregiver, a religious leader, a parent or a teacher—someone who had power over you—someone who would not accept no as the answer and who may make you feel like you have something to lose if the truth comes out; you may lose your support system, be left alone, you have been told you sinned and will be punished in the afterlife, you may lose your job or fail your classes—because they hold the power to do that to you.
Yes is not a yes if you were coerced, manipulated or controlled to say it. Yes, is not a yes if it was your only means to get out of a dangerous situation. This yes is still a NO wrapped in a yes to survive. This yes was your safety, your freedom—this yes kept you alive.
When it comes to telling your truth, you may be embarrassed to share because you somehow feel you gave them the right to do something wrong. Somehow you feel like a sell-out, you gave in… you invited it to happen. Yes, it is humiliating, self-degrading, icky and you’re disgusted with yourself. You blame and shame yourself—with degrading words. Your head may be spinning with confusion, your thoughts are chaotic because your mind is trying to create reason and order of something that doesn’t feel right in your body and the words you’ve been told don’t align with your feelings. We feel ashamed—fundamentally flawed. We feel if we tell our truth, we will be seen as a liar because we said yes, and yes doesn’t mean no, no means no.
How do we tell the truth when it’s our fault and we allowed something bad to happen to us. We all experience shame in our own way, but shame is pain—when it’s held inside. It’s an instant nausea that washes over you, it could be a sharp pain in your chest, the blurring of your vision, a throbbing in your head, a paralysis in your body or dissociation of mind. Shame is intense, uncomfortable and unsafe. Shame is a feeling we want to escape. Shame controls us because we are afraid of being judged as dishonest, and fundamentally in our hearts we want to be known as a good person because that is our belief, our value system, our truth… and the truth is liberation. Whatever action you decide to take—do what is right for you and know there is support for you, the justice system understands the complexity of consent and remember doing the right thing doesn't always feel right.
By Nadine Crescenzi
Clinical Art Therapist and Art Psychotherapist RT-Q
Feb 24/24
If you are in crisis, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.
Additionally you can reach out for support:
Crisis Services Canada: 1-833-456-4566
Mental Health Crisis Line: 1-888-893-8333
Distress Centres of Greater Toronto: 416-408-HELP (4357)
Kids' Help Phone: 1-800-668-6858 Text: 686868
Toronto Distress Centres: 416 408-4357 or 408-HELP
TTY: 905 278-4890; Languages: English, Punjabi, Hindi, Urdu, Spanish, Portuguese
Assaulted Women's Helpline: 416 863-0511; Toll-free: 1 866 863-0511
Suicide and Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-3000
Crisis line: befrienders.org
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